OUT OF THE CLOSET

I went to dinner the other night with two very hip and happening mover and shaker young women. intelligent and clever chicks who know the latest about the latest everything, the kind of woman i wanted to be when i was the same age as they are now. the kind of woman i want to be now. i felt at times intimidated and in awe and at times older and wiser and far removed.
i tried to remember the feeling i had when i was younger, hanging out with my uber smart, ambitious and successful friends who were all about the same age i am now. how they had seemed to me at the time and whether i seem like that to my younger friends now. does age provide shelter and protection or does it make you irrelevant and an oddity?
i came out of the closet about my age when asked by the friend of my friend. it feels like a dirty secret and even now i don't like admitting it. i don't feel my age. i don't know what that means exactly, but i don't feel like what media expects me to feel at this age. i am supposed to be married and with two kids and a house, yes? Is that right?
i still don't know what job /career i want and i spend a lot of time talking with friends - younger ones in particular - about dreams and what to do next. i seem to consult the young as though i was the same. then i realise that i really am not. i should be wiser and more secure and more at ease.
it isn't that i mind being this age. but i don't feel that i have done enough to deserve this number around my neck. i don't feel like i own it yet. have i been running away from it? it must be time to turn around and embrace it now. like a pair of comfy slippers. but it is such a change in mindset.... i don't know if i am ready.